spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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