I wannas sexs uuuuu
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
