I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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