Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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