Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
