My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
