it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
