Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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