I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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