this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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