im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
