moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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