At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
