I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
