Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
