i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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