And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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