not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
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We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
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I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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