I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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