So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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