Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
