i was rollin on her like bob the builder
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
