if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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