I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
