i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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