Having a random hookup so left but love u
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
