the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
