i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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