I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
