I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
