and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
