I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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