She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Fuck me I smell like cheese
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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