he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
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