dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
