i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
