Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
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My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
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i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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