You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
