I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
