U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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