Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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