Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
