I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
