My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
