Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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