I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize