I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
