I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
