I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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