I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
