I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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