I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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