we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
