We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
