Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
