Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
