Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
